BREAK.

Utah...this is the place.

• The place where every time I step outside I literally think I'm going to freeze while in motion.

This is my neighbors snowman. Even though his coal smile and one coal button fell off he just looks so cute and happy!

• The place where my friend Laurie Lee teaches a Zumba class and I went the first night I got here....and it was AWESOME.

My BFF from high school. She is thee BEST zumba instructor, seriously she has energy for days!

• The place I got to and stayed for less than a day before we road tripped to Vegas for a day and a half. Short trip but we made it count!

My friend from Vegas took me and my sissy out! This is at Blue Martini.

• The place where blizzards look fun....but it's a trick, cause they really arent.

Of course as soon as were ready to leave the house a snow storm hits. I HATE being cold.

• The place where I officially became the best Loser at Rumikub.

L for LOSER. Yes my mom was teasing me.

• The place where my pretty pregnant sister is....and her baby kicked me!

My Mom, Melissa, and Mele adoring the baby bump aka my niece!

• The place where there hasn't really been a dull moment...until now, which is why I have the time to blog.

Christmas night out at The Hotel.

• The place where at least people are apologetic about their crimes. :)

Downtown Salt Lake City. I thought it was pretty funny.

My holiday break has been awesome. Family time has been great. Sister time has been lovely. Shopping despite low funds has been awesome. The thought of school starting in a short couple of weeks makes me sick to my stomach. BLEH.

kinda sorta..

feeling A.D.D.

So I would absolutely love to be sleeping right now...but I've been sick all week, my body is all funky, I have a massive headache that just won't go away, and so sleep evades me. *sigh* What better way to waste time then to blog right?...thus here I am after boring myself to the extreme on facebook and watching 2 episodes of the Office, courtesy of Hulu.

Anyways despite the fact that I was feeling like a piece of crap all week AND had to take my finals one sniffly sneeze at a time, to top it off my bestie Sarah B was here for a short visit before she made her way home to Hilo for the holidays. So I had to suck it all up and be down for friend time, which wasn't hard cause I love my friends! So Sarah got here on monday and I think she brought the sunshine with her because it was the perfect beach day! Sometimes I wish life was like movies and that it had theme songs and background music blasting for any given situation....seriously that would be awesome. And if Monday had a song (and in my head it did), as soon as I opened my dark brown curtain that morning it would have started blaring Here Comes the Sun by the Beatles. I totally sang that song in my head all day, no lie.

At Sunset Beach obviously in love with the sun, sand, ocean, and foreign guy who kept pulling his shorts up as high as possible to tan his ridiculously white thighs.

So in the music world which lives only in my mind for now, the song that would have started playing when I saw Sarah would have been "Reunited and it feels sooo good.." lol in a non lesbian kind of way.

At Waimea living the life.

I'd also just like to say how much I L-O-V-E the north shore and all it's beautiful beaches! Seriously nothing compares, to me anyways. This week was full of sun, friends, laughs, and all around good times. Safe to say the good outweighed the bad by FAR!

Little Joys

Since sometimes it's hard to be happy I try to recognize joy in the little tiny things I wouldn't normally notice. Here are a few from today:

-the warm heater blasting in my car.

-millions of clothes in my room to choose from.

-bonus money to fall back on at work. $chaaaaching$

-marshmallows for my hot cocoa.

-the awesome couch my dad has on which i crashed on for a nap.

-the nap itself....ahhhheavenly.

Thanks friday you are all too kind.

FAMR230

I honestly can't remember what this pertained to or what exactly my teacher was teaching us but in my human development class yesterday my teacher asked us if we have an ex boyfriend (my class has 2 guys in it, don't worry they didn't raise their hands) I raised my hand. Then she asked us if we hated them. I raised my hand. Then she asked us if they were to pass away would we feel something. Wanting to shake my head, I nodded my head instead. Then she continued to say that even if you hate them there's always going to be something there cause in order for there to be hate there has to be love. I'm not going to lie, this made me feel hopeless. Is hate just a mask covering up love so you can trick yourself into not seeing it? Can I ever reach that point like in Eat, Pray, Love where Julia Roberts is able to send that person love and be over it? Feelings cannot be controlled, but actions can. I want to control both. Sometimes I'm pretty sure my feelings control my actions and if I'm not controlling my feelings.....then what the hell am I doing??! Scary.....

Taken last summer in Utah at Ensign Peak. Sunsets always feel so peaceful.

Anyways this semester is almost over and I'm excited, but also kind of sad because I can honestly say that for the first time ever I enjoyed all of my classes for different reasons, but still loved learning! My teachers were awesome, I learned more than I had anticipated, and found out I'm good at a science (botany is the science, totally unexpected, but I actually liked it)!! I missed one class ONE TIME! Seeing my best friends that I haven't seen in a while was worth throwing my perfect attendance out the window, so no regrets there.

twentyten

things like this happen...because I LET IT.

wow...so thats what it feels like to be accountable.

It's also kind of weird after all this time thinking I had no control, and I guess to some extent that is true, BUT realizing that I am where I am because of my own actions puts a whole different spin on it. I had control all along. And so here I am....

Holy cow can it really be December already??! Ok not to be a hater to all you out there who had a totally awesome 2010, but all I have to say to 2010 is GOOD RIDDANCE, thank you please don't come again, you may now gracefully step OUT of my life. Next year will be soooooo much better than this one, I can feel it in my bones.

Other reasons I'm welcoming 2011:

-TAX RETURNS..yespls!

-Associates in April and I can say toodleloo to WCC

-I'll be an Aunty again when my sister Melissa *pops* (most excited for this one)

-The sooner next year comes the sooner summer comes...and I adore summer

-I bought a super cool calendar from Borders 2 days ago and as soon as 2010 jams it's going up.

nerdmode

Im annoyed with myself for being irritated that I didn't get BETTER than a 90% on my test. And I have been thinking about what I'm going to do for extra credit...even tho I know I don't need it. I just want to ensure that I will have a guaranteed A at the end of this semester....IN ALL MY CLASSES. I'm not quite sure what made me such an overachiever this semester, but it's in me so I let it take over since I'm not usually a motivated person when it comes to school. So just like that I decided I'm going to get all A's this semester. Which by the way, this semester is going too fast, but also not fast enough. Too fast because I feel like I don't have time to breath in between work, exams, studying, homework, field trips, quizzes, readings, and projects, and if I had more time I could study better. Not fast enough because I could really use a break. So even though Thanksgiving is right around the corner (next week actually!! yayy food!), I can't wait for Christmas break so I can have 3 weeks of spontaneous slothful bliss in which I can do or not do whatever I like! So until then bring it on school, I will kick your A..'s!!

can i just say...

..that I'm super excited for the Laie Temple open house!
I love that temple.

I love my family. and I miss home...altho I don't really know where home is anymore.

I want candy. Bring on the diabetes.

I dont need school because I already know that I'm smart...I AM!..but I guess I have to prove it anyways.

Life isn't fair. This is a "DUH!" statement.

My little brother made up the best version of the Golden Rule I've ever heard. Here I'll share it with you: "treat others as you want to be treated not as you have been treated unless you've been treated how you wanted to be." he is hilarious.

popsicles are perfect for when you wake up from a nap and you're hot as hell...

...just sayin.

Make..

a goal list.

post it where it will be seen daily.

DO IT.

yessir.

on a more serious note..

They say love is a beautiful thing. I say they're wrong. How can something be categorized as beautiful when it has the capacity to tear your insides apart and leave you feeling abandoned and half way dead? To make you feel shaken inside and unsure of yourself to the point where you question if everything you've ever known to this point in time to be a fierce unapologetic ugly lie. To make you not want to feel, because you no longer feel anything good. To make you want to sleep indefinitely or to get outside of yourself just to escape your 100 mph brain (that will surely explode very soon from a combination of over heating and plain exhaustion) because you're no longer steering it and you can't keep up with all the truths its screaming to your pathetic blind/deaf heart. And your heart...oh the weight of your heart..as if it's so heavy that any moment you fully expect to feel it sink within and destroy anything in its path until it rips your skin open and falls lifeless, like a 12 ton bloody boulder, to the cold hard floor. Leaving you with a big raw open wound that wouldn't ever know how to heal itself. And the tears that it brings...how they could start a raging flood at the slightest scent, or sound, or mere thought of a once shiny gold glowing happy memory that now can only be seen transparently in your mind as a black and white still frame where everyone has their back turned and you can't see anyones face no matter how hard you try. Tears coming from dark eyes that don't understand why the light they once held no longer lives there. Tears that just flow running their own course down the contours of your sullen face. And you are helpless in this because you have no control over them, they will choose when to stop and that's is only until they come back again...and they will come back again. Leaving you feeling empty. You're body is just a shell that carries the person you once thought you were. And you feel like your body is way to big because inside there is almost nothing since you gave mostly everything that was in there away in the name of this selfish "love". And you feel like love cheated you because you have nothing to show for it. You are left lifeless trying to figure out how to put an end to it all. And you think if you ever get past this desolate place where nothing can live for long, for you know it would be better to be dead then feel this way forever, that if you ever meet love again that this time, all the wiser, you will be aware of the fact that you and love can never be friends again.

Love to me doesn't feel happy or good. It is flighty and I don't understand it. To me (at this very moment) love is a destroyer of persons. It is lethal, destructive and dangerous. And to me...in this dark minute..there is nothing beautiful about love.

soooooo dont really like explaining my life online..but had to write this somewhere. first draft was in my journal...more came to mind as i typed it. i dont have a lot of friends on here anyways so i dont really care cuz im pretty sure nobody really reads this cuz i hardly ever blog. anyways...no worries im fine.

thought of the moment

life, well my life anyways, i wish it had come with a remote control. All i know is that there would probably be a LOT of rewinding and do overs in my life if it were possible to get my hands on one of those life remotes. But since its in the category of "Never Happening" i shouldnt even dwell on it. so o well.

Working out is...

FUN!...that is what I tell myself to trick myself into doing it. In actuality I hate it and I literally think I am going to die while doing it. Now please excuse me while I go take a shower and wash off this p90x sweat since I'm not dead.

hanging out in utah

crap. CRAP. C.R.A.P. I just wrote a paragraph and it was a load of crap. I read it over and immediately deleted it. I haven't been writing as much as I used to..not even in my journal *gasp*! lol And I think because I haven't been writing and fine tuning how to make sense of my thoughts out in words so I've lost that skill...although I wasn't that great at it in the first place. Mostly because my writing comes out much like my thoughts...scratch that..my writing comes out exactly how i think it in my head, and that is usually scattered and all over the place!

Anywho I'm going to try to get back into it..as of today! And I guess I'll start here instead of in my journal.

So I'm in Utah. Been here for almost 3 weeks...got 3 more to go here till I can return to my lovely paradise and home, Hawaii.



I actually miss working. I want money...but not to spend. I just want to save it all. I wish I was a money hoarder. That would be kind of cool to walk into a room full of money stuffed everywhere..in the drawers, under the mattress (I've actually done this one, I felt like some sort of criminal with dirty money), behind the mirrors, under the rugs, on the desk, sticking out my lime green piggy bank, I think you get the picture. Not sure where I was going with this.

So moving on, my sister Melissa got married on Friday. It was a nice good ole fashioned Tongan wedding. The venue was a bit small and the place was packed. But I'm pretty sure thats a good thing!



Buuuut after seeing everything she had to do to get ready for her wedding and then how long it was and the stress and having no control once it got started, I decided I would like to PASS on having a wedding. Seriously I think when my time comes -if it ever comes- that I would just like to sneak away and get it over with. Don't need the extra hoopla of a big fancy wedding.

So I guess I've conciously learned at least 2 things about myself this past week. 1- I like working (and the money that comes with it. and 2- I'll never be a bridezilla because when it comes to saying "i do." i'd like to say mines in quietly with only a few around.

*feelings subject to change. Hey I can't tell the future!