roommate from hell

I wear new kine panties. I got married to a man I love unconditionally. Moved me and the husband to a tropical island in the middle of the sea. Yup, all that happened. And yup, I totally mean to blog it all out someday...but for today all I could think about sharing was a story from my 1st year of college at BYU-Provo.

I was less than happy about going to school at BYU. I had no close friends going to school there. I was still immature and wanting to have fun and be young. My parents filled out my application and basically packed me up and dropped me off at my dorm. Since I had no friends there I had a random roommate assigned to me. I honestly don't even remember her name (blame my bad memory), I want to say it was Ashely. Hmmm, I'm to lazy to look that up so for the sake of this post we'll just refer to her as Ashley for the rest of it whether that's her real name or not.

The day I moved in and we met each other she was nice enough. I'm shy, I always have been. So I don't open up to just anyone or quickly at all, ESPECIALLY when I'm not in a familiar environment. I was courteous, but not outgoing. The first or second morning (I swear it was the first) I woke up to SOBS and I open my eyes and my roommate is crying her eyes out and punching her bed and pillows. IT. WAS. AWKWARD. I'm not one to console people...and that's how I feel generally. I don't feel comfortable doing that with people I'm close to so of course I feel especially awkward to have to do it for someone I just met. Well I guess her grandpa had passed or was really sick and she was just really upset about it. I asked her if she was ok and didn't really know what else to do. Not that showing her emotions outwardly like that is bad, but remember I was young and immature and probably a tad insensitive, so that's when I decided she was weird.

I still tried hard to get along with her. She was nice. She had a boyfriend who she was kind of really attached to. But I was just kind of an introverted person and even though a lot of people immediately became best friends with their new random roommate, I was uncomfortable with the thought. I felt like it was being forced just like how my parents had forced me to go to school there. I didn't feel an immediate connection. And I think that was something Ashley wanted and kind of expected. She would want to walk together or go eat together, but I just didn't feel like we were real friends. Is that rude? It's just that I don't feel like true friendships are or have to be forced and to be honest I didn't feel like we had that much in common and I kind of felt annoyed by her at times. But I always tried to just be nice and not be mean or rude.

Around Thanksgiving time she basically invited herself to my house for the break since she was from Florida and didn't have family. I guess I might have invited her to come stay the weekend, but I'll never know because she really did invite herself. That to me was nervy and rude and I was irritated by it. I also felt like she did that because her boyfriend was staying up in that area for the break, closer to salt lake and she wanted to be closer to him. So while she was staying with me she really started to irritate me. And I'll admit that that was my fault, I was immature, selfish and rude and I should have been more understanding to her situation. She was far away from home and family and it was the holiday season, she was probably lonely. But I couldn't stand it anymore, I started to kind of give her the cold shoulder and she felt it. I think she tried to approach me a couple times to ask if everything was ok and I was just very passive about it all, saying I was fine but inside I was very annoyed and then I would continue to ice her.

We went back to Provo, back to school and after a little while we just didn't really communicate as much anymore. No more forcing friendship. I was fine with it. But sometimes I felt like she would be looking at me like she wanted to say something, but wouldn't. Once she even confronted me and tried to get me to like say what was wrong, which I denied anything about it.

Then one day my RA said that Ashley wanted to move out because she wasn't happy or whatever. I didn't really give a rats because that meant I had a room all to myself and didn't have to worry about forcing myself to try to converse or be friends with someone who I just didn't really get along with. So bye bye Ashley and Hello room to myself.

BUT THEN...

a little bit after Ashley moved out one the the girls who lived a couple doors over told me the REAL reason she moved out.
......she read my journal.......
Something about Ashley you should know is she is a speed reader. So she could have easily read my pathetic journal in less than an hour while I was out at class. Which of course since I was being passive to Ashley's face I had been venting to my journal all the things that irritated me about her. And some of the things I didn't even mean, they were just things I said because I was annoyed and I say things I don't mean when I'm upset. I distinctly remember calling her fat and ugly and annoying, which probably hurt her even more because she wasn't the smallest girl if ya know what I mean. And there were also some personal things about myself in there (DUH it's MY journal) that she decided to spread around to other people as well. After I was told that she had read my journal it all made sense. She must have read it around the time she started ignoring me. It made sense how she confronted me that one time and was trying to get me to say things about how I really felt, because she already knew how I felt because she had read my journal already. I was pissssssed. I wanted to beat her up. But I didn't. I just couldn't believe that she or anyone would do that. I didn't feel bad about the things she read either because they weren't for her eyes in the first place. She never should have read them and if she got her feelings hurt by it, it was her own fault. I was shocked. I felt violated. I couldn't decide if I felt bad about the things I'd written or if I'd felt even more justified for writing them.

Looking back I do feel sorry and I wish I had acted a different way. Maybe we could have been friends, but I guess I'm glad we weren't because I like having friends who trust me enough not to read my journal if they feel like I'm holding something back. I do realize though that when it comes to living with me I'm not the easiest. It's been rough to live with my true friends at times because I can be anal and moody and particular. Even living with AJ is a big adjustment and it's not easy.

Point of my story.....MIND YO OWN BUSINESS.