living a faithless life

I have had an epiphany.

I have come to the realization that I have been living a somewhat faithless life.

I have been alive for 26+ years.

For those 26+ years I have always been afraid of change. afraid of moving on. afraid of trying something new or unfamiliar. afraid that other people do it better and compare myself. afraid of what other people think of me. afraid of attempting something I'd wanted to do, but stopped myself from trying it because I'd talked myself into believing I wouldn't be able to do it. 

All that above can be summed up in one word: FEAR.

This fear has kept me in a very comfortable yet somewhat unproductive lifestyle. I do not dream big. I do not have super ambitions or much motivation. I am a floater....or as my dad would put it, a "freeloader". I live a good life, but I haven't really done anything to earn this lifestyle or even be deserving of it. This fear has kept me in my comfort zone. I don't try anything (even if it's something I want to do) if it seems to hard because I'm afraid of failure or I just think I physically am not capable of doing it. So instead of moving forward or moving anywhere in any direction I always just end up in the same spot because I don't move at all.

The faithless life I talk about isn't about doubting my religion, I KNOW that it is true. I'm grateful to have been born into it and to have had good parents to teach it to me. The faithlessness I talk about I guess stems more from my lack of putting trust in the Lord. I have only realized in the past couple of months that I have not been living with faith, because if I had then I would not be living with this fear instead.

So What this quote says is exactly what I intend to do. If my faith is bigger than my fear and I trust that the Lord is guiding me and on my side rooting for me then of course I can do it. I can't believe that it has taken me this long to realize this!!!! This is a major "DUH!" moment in my life, and I'm sure many of you out there are saying "DUH!" to this post as well....but as my dad has also said "Jenn is a late bloomer." So sorry if these somewhat basic gospel principles have been lost on me because I've been doing things MY way instead of seeing the BIGGER picture and trusting the Lord's way. There are some specific things in my life that I feel I've been made to do, but I haven't even attempted to do them because of my "fear". I've always wanted to reach that final destination, but how could I if I'm not even taking the first step and putting my thoughts into actions?? Or in other words demonstrating my faith..

This quote also hit me hard. I think a lot of the reason I haven't acted on my thoughts is because the very thought of them is scary and hard. I know that finishing school will be hard, but it doesn't mean it's impossible FOR ME, which was exactly what I had thought the past 5 or 6 years. I have potential to be something great...someONE great. I just have to act on my thoughts and take that first step in any direction and let the Lord lead me from there. My Heavenly Father knows my potential and believes in me so who am I to doubt Him? I have to stop doubting myself and Him and put my faith in Him and let things happen the way He has intended for me. Am I a total retard for not realizing this earlier in life?...I wish I had...but I can't change that I can only change what happens from here on out! Here's to optimism, greater faith, and trusting!