When I think about Hawaii my heart hurts. Simply put, I MISS IT. I miss: sunny days and warm nights. The ocean. The salty smell in the air. Driving from Laie to Kaneohe with all it's beautiful scenery to distract my mind. Finding sand in my purse. WORKING. My old job and everyone who worked with me. Putting costumes in color coordinated order. My friends. The food. The culture. Seeing my favorite temple on the daily. Riding my bike around. Nice friendly smiley people that say "hi" to me when they don't even know me. Angels ice cream smoothies. The radio stations, especially 103.7. Going to 711 for saimin, chips, and an energy drink. Hearing PCC drums/cheering/noise from wherever I am in Laie. Random dinners at the fire station with my valentine for life. Good reggae concerts almost every weekend. Sleeping at my dads house. Flowers in my ear and the smell of tiares. The rain. Foodland. Brown people. Drivers that see my blinker and actually let me in. Being under water. Running in the CAC. Going to town whenever to do whatever. I even miss the stupid chickens. And ok I know missing things isn't necessarily a negative thing, but it is in this case because I miss these things so much that it actually makes me really sad. Makes me kind of hate utah a little bit. Makes me not want to try here and just go back.
I know I came here to change, but it's so hard and I really hate change. It's hard for me to move forward when I'm so fond of the past. And here I just feel like I don't have many friends and I'm too shy to know how to make any. I wish I was outgoing and comfortable enough to just open up to anybody, but no I'm weird I feel anxious and awkward and don't know what to say and feel stupid. Of course I have my sisters and AJ, but still I miss having friends to just go do something with and I really miss working! It's so weird, but it's true...i miss it! Maybe I just need a job to occupy my time. But I don't know where I'd want to work...I'd just compare it to my last job that I loved. ugh.
I applied for school for next semester. I just want to finish already. I'm sick of dragging it out. I feel like I should have been done a long time ago. I kind of feel like I'm always trying to play catch up with everyone else.
I just kind of feel confused about a lot of things. I want to do something with my life. I mean doesn't everybody? Isn't that what we were put her to do? There's something I'm meant to do..........ugh! i kind of hate feeling like this. I know this feeling will go away and that I sound whiny and annoying...but this is my blog and how I'm feeling right now so get over it. I probably just need sleep and an attitude change.
All I can say is general conference couldn't come at a better time. I need some serious guidance and comfort for the soul. Can't wait to hear the words of God.
P.S.
I'm grateful for my home teachers who visited tuesday night and reminded me of the story of the guy who was talking to another man who asked him about the church. And the guy explained to the man that we have modern day prophets who speak with and receive revelation from God and that the prophets then share twice a year during our conferences those revelations. Then the man asked him what did the prophet say in the last conference. And the guy couldn't really remember or explain anything. He didn't know what to say. So the man says to him something along the lines of "you mean to tell me God speaks to men today and you don't even know what he's said?" I'd feel awful if I was that guy. It was such a good reminder to me to pay attention and to listen tentatively during conference because what is being shared is coming straight from God, yes it's that important.
