Make..

a goal list.

post it where it will be seen daily.

DO IT.

yessir.

on a more serious note..

They say love is a beautiful thing. I say they're wrong. How can something be categorized as beautiful when it has the capacity to tear your insides apart and leave you feeling abandoned and half way dead? To make you feel shaken inside and unsure of yourself to the point where you question if everything you've ever known to this point in time to be a fierce unapologetic ugly lie. To make you not want to feel, because you no longer feel anything good. To make you want to sleep indefinitely or to get outside of yourself just to escape your 100 mph brain (that will surely explode very soon from a combination of over heating and plain exhaustion) because you're no longer steering it and you can't keep up with all the truths its screaming to your pathetic blind/deaf heart. And your heart...oh the weight of your heart..as if it's so heavy that any moment you fully expect to feel it sink within and destroy anything in its path until it rips your skin open and falls lifeless, like a 12 ton bloody boulder, to the cold hard floor. Leaving you with a big raw open wound that wouldn't ever know how to heal itself. And the tears that it brings...how they could start a raging flood at the slightest scent, or sound, or mere thought of a once shiny gold glowing happy memory that now can only be seen transparently in your mind as a black and white still frame where everyone has their back turned and you can't see anyones face no matter how hard you try. Tears coming from dark eyes that don't understand why the light they once held no longer lives there. Tears that just flow running their own course down the contours of your sullen face. And you are helpless in this because you have no control over them, they will choose when to stop and that's is only until they come back again...and they will come back again. Leaving you feeling empty. You're body is just a shell that carries the person you once thought you were. And you feel like your body is way to big because inside there is almost nothing since you gave mostly everything that was in there away in the name of this selfish "love". And you feel like love cheated you because you have nothing to show for it. You are left lifeless trying to figure out how to put an end to it all. And you think if you ever get past this desolate place where nothing can live for long, for you know it would be better to be dead then feel this way forever, that if you ever meet love again that this time, all the wiser, you will be aware of the fact that you and love can never be friends again.

Love to me doesn't feel happy or good. It is flighty and I don't understand it. To me (at this very moment) love is a destroyer of persons. It is lethal, destructive and dangerous. And to me...in this dark minute..there is nothing beautiful about love.

soooooo dont really like explaining my life online..but had to write this somewhere. first draft was in my journal...more came to mind as i typed it. i dont have a lot of friends on here anyways so i dont really care cuz im pretty sure nobody really reads this cuz i hardly ever blog. anyways...no worries im fine.

thought of the moment

life, well my life anyways, i wish it had come with a remote control. All i know is that there would probably be a LOT of rewinding and do overs in my life if it were possible to get my hands on one of those life remotes. But since its in the category of "Never Happening" i shouldnt even dwell on it. so o well.

Working out is...

FUN!...that is what I tell myself to trick myself into doing it. In actuality I hate it and I literally think I am going to die while doing it. Now please excuse me while I go take a shower and wash off this p90x sweat since I'm not dead.

hanging out in utah

crap. CRAP. C.R.A.P. I just wrote a paragraph and it was a load of crap. I read it over and immediately deleted it. I haven't been writing as much as I used to..not even in my journal *gasp*! lol And I think because I haven't been writing and fine tuning how to make sense of my thoughts out in words so I've lost that skill...although I wasn't that great at it in the first place. Mostly because my writing comes out much like my thoughts...scratch that..my writing comes out exactly how i think it in my head, and that is usually scattered and all over the place!

Anywho I'm going to try to get back into it..as of today! And I guess I'll start here instead of in my journal.

So I'm in Utah. Been here for almost 3 weeks...got 3 more to go here till I can return to my lovely paradise and home, Hawaii.



I actually miss working. I want money...but not to spend. I just want to save it all. I wish I was a money hoarder. That would be kind of cool to walk into a room full of money stuffed everywhere..in the drawers, under the mattress (I've actually done this one, I felt like some sort of criminal with dirty money), behind the mirrors, under the rugs, on the desk, sticking out my lime green piggy bank, I think you get the picture. Not sure where I was going with this.

So moving on, my sister Melissa got married on Friday. It was a nice good ole fashioned Tongan wedding. The venue was a bit small and the place was packed. But I'm pretty sure thats a good thing!



Buuuut after seeing everything she had to do to get ready for her wedding and then how long it was and the stress and having no control once it got started, I decided I would like to PASS on having a wedding. Seriously I think when my time comes -if it ever comes- that I would just like to sneak away and get it over with. Don't need the extra hoopla of a big fancy wedding.

So I guess I've conciously learned at least 2 things about myself this past week. 1- I like working (and the money that comes with it. and 2- I'll never be a bridezilla because when it comes to saying "i do." i'd like to say mines in quietly with only a few around.

*feelings subject to change. Hey I can't tell the future!