No time for a real update

What a whirlwind the past few weeks have been. Super short update from my phone.

Yup, this happened!

We took a plane ride to Utah. Baby handled his first flight awesome because he slept the entire time. Thank goodness for red eye flights!

And now were freezing our bootys off in Utah and spending as much time together with our families as possible! 

Family Pictures 2013

Just ordered our very first ever family Christmas cards a couple nights ago! I can't wait to get them and share them! I'm excited because we took some photos that I LOVE, they are our very first family pictures and I'm so glad we decided to do them this year. I'm such a procrastinator and so busy with school that I almost didn't want to do it because I didn't want to stress about taking the pics and then having to do a Christmas card and send them out. Anyways point is I'm totally glad we did it. Here's a sneak peak at our family photos that the amazing Chealsea Scanlan did for us. Check her out she's amazing! She is in Hawaii but often goes to the mainland like California, Utah, Idaho, etc. and she loves to do shoots when she's there! Check out her blog for updates :) Also did I mention she shoots in film? Well she does and the pictures come out...yup, AMAZING. 

I'm in love with these pictures. These are only a few of the many she did for us! Can't post the best ones just yet because those are on our Christmas cards and I don't want to give them away before we send them out. I should be doing homework, but as far as I'm concerned my mind is on vacation already. Anyways Thanksgiving this week then on to Christmas....ahh I love the holidays!

Baby Ray's Birth Story!

WARNING: very longwinded detailed version of Ray's birth story. Also I'm super bummed that we didn't have a real camera in the room so all the pictures posted are taken from a few of our phones so some of them really suck. I need a real camera already.

Thursday July 25, 2013 I had a doctors appointment in Kaneohe. 

The appointment I'd had the previous week I had been dilated to a 3. The doctor was surprised and told us she thought I'd just go into labor naturally within the next few days. Well that didn't happen and a whole week later I'd had no contractions (that I could feel anyways) and my water hadn't broke. So that Thursday came and I had told AJ to go to work even though he really wanted to skip work and come to the appointment with me in case I found out I was going to have baby. But since I hadn't been having any signs of going into labor any time soon I told him to just go to work and I'd see him after. I was working at my dad's office with my mom that day and she wanted to come with me too in case anything happened, but she got busy with work and couldn't come. I told her it was ok and since my sister, Melissa and her family, were flying in that day I'd come back after my appointment and pick them up with her or see them all after my appointment. Melissa really wanted to come for baby's birth and she had been telling me to hold him in until she got there.

Anyways I got to the doctors office and the first thing I told my doctor, Dr. Clark, was that I was kind of worried because since my last appointment I hadn't felt baby move as much as he used to and even at night when he was usually really active, he wasn't. So she said that could be a sign of my body not supporting the pregnancy as much anymore because baby was getting big and I was close to the end. But to make sure she did an ultrasound to check my fluids. (SIDENOTE: I was surprised when I found out that not everyone has an ultrasound every doctors visit they went to. Because my doctor did one for every single visit. So we saw our son every month moving around and doing his thing and then every 2 weeks and then every week up until his birth. That was always my favorite part of our visit, seeing him on the screen and hearing his beautiful little heart flutters) But back to my fluids...she said you normally have 4 big pockets of fluids and that one of my pockets was empty (which how does that even happen when your water hasn't broken yet? Where does/did the water go?). She said my fluid levels were at a 6 and anything under a 5 is not good, so I was ok but still that would be another reason why I hadn't felt my son move as much. Then she checked my dilation and I was at a 4. She was surprised I hadn't been having contractions or broke my water because she said I was progressing good enough. After that she sat down and said because of my fluids and not being able to feel baby moving as much that I could go ahead and head over to Castle Hospital and have the baby. ".....yeah..yeah..ok...WAIT WHAT?!! You mean today?! But I came here all alone and I don't want to go to the hospital alone, and I don't have my overnight bag ready and I didn't bring anything with me and I have class tonight....." That's what I was thinking in my head. Because I envisioned going into labor Thursday night or Friday morning AFTER my class that way I could have baby over the weekend and have a day or two to recover and then be back in class Tuesday and not have to miss a day of school. I hate missing school. I almost asked her if we could do it the next day so that I could go to class. But then I remembered how worried I had been feeling and how sad it made me when I wouldn't feel my son and I'd sit really still just waiting for a little kick or nudge anywhere to confirm he was still alive in there. So I decided doctor knows best. She told me to just go straight to the hospital and that my husband and family would have plenty of time to get there since I wasn't going into labor immediately. So I told her I would go straight to the hospital...which is like 20 min or less away. But then I went out to my car and called my mom. My mom was kind of surprised and I told her I didn't want to go to the hospital alone and I was going to call AJ and pick him up from his job site.

What my app that day (Friday) was telling me was true! 

So I picked up AJ who happened to conveniently be working in Kahaluu that day. I filled him in on what was going on. As I was driving I started to freak out a little because I couldn't believe the day was finally here. I started to feel light headed and kind of shaky and I was kind of yelling at AJ telling him he should be driving cuz I didn't feel good. It was sinking in. We went back to Pearl City, we both showered and grabbed our bags. I ate an apple. We stopped at Jamba Juice too because I was hungry. It was so weird to be heading to the hospital to have a baby, our baby. We both kept talking about how unreal it was as we held hands on our way there. I was so glad I wasn't going to the hospital alone. We finally got there around 3 or 3:30. We checked in and got into our room and I got all changed and hooked up to an IV. They told me they were going to start me on pitocen and then the waiting game began. Dr. Clark stopped by and she told me that she had called the hospital a little while after I left and asked if I had checked in yet and they told her I hadn't so she was confused because I should have been there already. I told her I didn't want to come alone so I had gone to get my husband and she laughed and said it was totally fine she just thought something bad might have happened. The nurse said they were going to up the pitocen kind of fast so they'd come in every hour or half hour and up the dosage, but I wasn't feeling any bad contractions. They told me I was having them because they could see it on the screen, but to me it didn't feel that bad so I didn't really even know I was having them. And they joked that I obviously wasn't feeling it because I was still smiling and happy. haha

When I was still happy and painless.

I really liked Castle. It was so nice, big, and comforting.

Melissa, Teki, Lusi and Baby Ti came to visit after they got in and I told Meliss that baby waited for her to get her. They hung out for a little while. It was so cute when Lusi first walked in she said, "Baby Tousin" (Baby Cousin) and she still calls him that. While they were there the nurse called my doctor because my contractions weren't progressing with the pitocen since I didn't feel them getting stronger. My doctor told them to stop the pitocen for a while like an hour and a half and then start me back on it again and to up it very slowly. By that time we had been there for about 5 or 6 hours and I was freaking hungry. I asked the nurse if I could eat something and she told me they don't normally let anyone eat anything because once labor starts they usually throw it up. But we were starting the whole process over again and I was so hungry so I was like "even a cracker will do, I'm just really hungry" so she said she'd call Dr. Clark. She came back with apple juice, crackers, and a popsicle which she said was all Dr. Clark said I could eat. I was totally fine with that, except Lusi wanted to eat all my food with me so the nurse went and got a little extra for Lusi too. After that everyone left to go get some rest. I told my mom I'd call them when my contractions started getting bad so that Melissa and her could come back. Then it was just me and AJ again.

Lusi kept wanting to sit on the bed with her FAVORITE aunty. lol

We waited, watched tv, and tried to rest. Which was easy for him, but I like how all the nurses kept telling me to "try and get some rest"but then how can I when they are literally coming in every 30 min to check on me and my vitals. Not to mention my butt was SO DEAD it was nearly impossible to find a comfortable position and then when I would I moved so much that my monitor on my belly listening to the baby's heart would move and then a nurse would come in to move it back into a spot so they could hear baby's heart. (Once when the nurse was in the room I laughed and she said baby liked when I laughed cuz she could see how his heart responded on the screen when I laughed, I liked that.) Plus the constant drip of fluids into my body made me have to pee every freaking hour and going to the bathroom when you're connected to a billion wires isn't easy. I kept having to have AJ help me unplug from the machine and the wall so I could go to the bathroom. When it started getting late AJ fell asleep on the couch and was snoring SO LOUD so that was just another thing keeping me from sleeping. Plus when I needed him to help me to the bathroom I literally had to yell to wake him up...I kept imagining and wishing I had something I could throw at him to wake him up......cuz I was a little irritated that he was sleeping and I wasn't. So basically very restless sleep for me.

Around 4 in the morning I started getting contractions I could feel and THEY FREAKING HURT! I had already talked to the nurses and told them I was doing this natural and not to mention any pain meds because I wasn't going to use them. I really wanted to do it natural because my mom had and so did my sister and I just think our bodies were made to do this so I could handle it. Plus I just don't like the idea of putting things into my body that it doesn't need...except for candy, it always needs that. haha, but I'm speaking medicine wise here. So I called my mom and she said her and Melissa would be on their way. The pain was not what I expected, I mean I didn't expect it to be pleasant, but I wasn't expecting THAT. I didn't feel any pain in my abdomen, it was ALL in my lower back and hips. Every single contraction I felt like my hips were pulling apart. I would watch the little screen and see when contractions were starting and I'd want to cry. I realized that they were really bad for 30 seconds and then after that they'd start to fade away. So I'd watch the clock and time it for 30 seconds and if I could just get through those 30 seconds I knew I'd be ok. It was then that I remember thinking and asking my mom and sister why people have more than one baby, because after that kind of pain who would want another one? And the whole time during my contractions I was convinced I would never have another baby after because I never wanted to feel that kind of pain again. I didn't cry though, I just frowned, whimpered and felt like crying, but no tears came out. I didn't even yell at AJ or anyone. I just watched the clock and tried to control my breathing. My nurse told me I was doing so good and handling the pain so well. I did throw up a couple times. The first time I said I thought I was going to throw up they didn't have anything for me to throw up in right there and the nurse had to scramble around getting me a little bucket thing while I tried to hold it in until she got it. Aj was more grossed out by the throwing up than he was by the whole birth lol.

This is me being a baby because I was in so much pain.

At 6:00 my nurse said she would call my doctor since my contractions were getting bigger and I was dilated to a 7 I think...or maybe a 5 or 6? cant remember. Then she told me my doctor would be in at 7:00. I thought I was going to die having to wait another hour. 7:00 came and my doctor wasn't there and I remember getting kind of mad thinking where is she?! I think she showed up at 7:15ish. My water still hadn't broken but my contractions were so close together and I can't remember if I was dilated to a 9 before or after she broke my water. But soon after she got there and broke my water I told her I felt like I needed to push. She said ok and so I started pushing at about 7:40.

My chart.

There was Dr. Clark, 2 nurses (the one who helped deliver, her name was Sarah and she was great! Definitely my favorite nurse), Aj, my mom, and Melissa in the room. So my mom and Meliss were helping to hold my legs and Aj was by my side and then they would rotate between helping hold my legs or just watching. I didn't take any birthing classes or even read or watch anything that would help me know what to do during labor and pushing, I figured my body would just tell me when to push. My nurse and Dr. told me to hold all my breath in and use it to push when I pushed. Each contraction we did 3 pushes and my Dr. counted out loud to 10 for each push. That was really hard. A few times I felt like I wasn't getting enough air because they told me to hold my breath in when I push then I was given like 1 second to get a new breath of air and then had to push again for 10 seconds holding my breath in. Doing that 3 times in a row was hard. During one contraction my Dr. counted to 10 once then she said ok again, but I just said "noooo, I need to breathe, I feel like I'm not getting enough air." My Dr. was awesome she was really calm and just kept telling me how great I was doing. My mom told me after that she thought I was going to pass out because my face was so red from how hard I was pushing. I just really wanted him out of me already so I was pushing the hardest I could. Dr. Clark told me when she could see his head that he had a lot of hair! And then she touched his head and she saw that his heart rate responded to the touch. That was cool. The last few pushes I remember feeling discouraged because I could feel him coming out a little but then when I stopped pushing he would go back in. I was just so focused on pushing him out and was probably a little light headed from all the pushing. So the last push when he came out and everyone was saying "his heads out, his heads out" I almost didn't believe that I could see his tiny head with all that black hair.

Baby Ray Siosiua Tuineau was born at 8:26am on July 26th 2013, his EXACT due date.

They gave him a pink bow beanie at first and I thought it was funny.

They immediately put baby on my chest and Aj told me after that I just kept saying "oh my gosh! oh my gosh!" over and over. I was FREAKING out. AJ was crying, I think I was in shock, and I don't even know what my mom and melissa were doing. I think my mom cried... I don't remember. I don't even remember what I was doing.

Cousins reunited on Earth!

With Aunty Melissa.

                                                       

Those lips.

I really liked that they immediately gave him to me. They told me before hand that they would give him to me and he could eat and just stay with me until I was ready to give him to them so they could weigh him and give him a bath. I think I kept him for about 20 min. It was amazing. I fed him for the first time and I just stared and stared at him. But I remember I kept saying "I don't know what I'm doing" like when the nurse told me to try to feed him, and then she had to help me. haha I had ripped when he came out so Dr. Clark had to stitch me up and I didn't even care that she was or that it was hurting because I had a beautiful brand new baby to distract me. I held him till after she was done. Then I gave him over so that they could clean him up. He weighed 6 lbs 14 oz and he was 19 1/2 inch long! I was so exhausted. It was funny cuz I was the center of attention that whole time then as soon as baby came I was left sitting on the bed by myself and everyone was over on the other side of the room taking pictures of baby getting weighed and getting a bath. I remember thinking "Hey, I'm here too!" haha I didn't mind though, I would have been over there too if I could have moved.

Another feeling forgotten moment while everyone was swooning over our fresh baby.

I was envious of all the sleep he was getting.

In LOVE.

Amazing.

After things finally settled down and my family left and it was just me, AJ, and baby I kept telling him, "We have a baby..." and we'd just stare at each other and at him and it was the strangest feeling. I couldn't sleep even though I was beyond tired. When I went to the bathroom I noticed I had a few red spots in my eyes and then I later noticed I also had red spots all up and down my cheeks and neck. I asked my nurse what it was and she told me it's from pushing so hard and that it would go away. I'm assuming it was popped blood vessels, I told you I was pushing freaking hard! But I finally slept for maybe an hour, then we had to move upstairs to another room because the birthing center was so full that we couldn't stay in the room.

Lusi just loved him. She still calls me now asking about "baby tousin" :)

Brand new baby and brand new daddy!

Apparently that was the weekend to have babies, and it was because that day and the few days following it I knew about 5 or 6 other people on facebook who had their babies also. It was a wonderful weekend to have a baby! I even had a friend who I worked with we found out we were pregnant at around the same time and right after we moved upstairs she texted me and told me she was in the hospital too to have her baby! Finally that night I slept and it was so good. Saturday morning Aj went with Ray to get him circumcised and AJ said, "he took it like a champ." He didn't cry at all. We checked out of the hospital that Saturday afternoon. We went straight to the Walgreens drive thru to fill my prescriptions, while we waited we went to panda express cuz poor AJ was neglected in the hospital the whole time and was starving except when my mom would bring him food. So we sat inside Panda and ate with our brand new baby and my gimpy slow walking self. Then we picked up my prescriptions and went to Pearl City to stay at my parents house.

My mom and dad with Ray

They gave him a new beanie after he got circumcised and I just thought it was the cutest ever on Ray.

They been napping together since day 1, literally.

Blurry pic of us walking out the hospital with our heavenly new baby!

The next day we went to church at my parents ward where everyone thought I was nuts for being there instead of being at home, but I felt like going to church and not sitting on my butt anymore. Then the next day Monday we went to the mall with my sister, thinking back I should have relaxed a little more, but I just wanted to go back to normal already. Tuesday we went back to Laie and I went to class, my teacher was surprised to see me, but like I said I hate missing class. Plus I felt like I was recovering quickly and totally fine to be out and about. Something weird was adjusting to being a mom. I kept saying out loud and in my head when I'd talk to my son, "Aunty's going to change your diaper" or for  whatever I was doing. I was so used to being an aunty it was weird to have my own baby, my own son. So yeah, thats the story of how my little one came to be on Earth. He has changed my whole world. I feel nothing but total love when I look at his little face. I'm a mom now, it's pretty cool.

Baby Ray's first time to church!

I told you this girl just loves him! She would have smothered him if she was allowed to! 

I just love the cousin love.

Here he is a few days old...natural born poser that's for sure!

About that last picture since we were in the hospital my doctor and another doctor and some of the nurses mentioned how expressive Ray was because he pulled a lot of faces for a newborn. And it's true he has always made a ton of faces and furrowed his eyebrows since the day he was born. I have a ton of pictures of him doing different faces. It's pretty funny maybe I'll post them sometime. Anyways I just think he has such a cute little face even with his big old tongan nose! haha that's the first thing we all noticed "Well he got daddy's nose that's for sure" is what we all said. haha although the doctor told us his nose was a bit swollen from coming out through my you know what and that it would go down, and it did a little bit, but let's be honest he still got that tongan nose lol. But I noticed and some other people have mentioned that he didn't really ever have that newborn look, he came out with some distinct features and I think I have to agree, he kind of had mature features that made him not look so newborn like. I just love him so much. Everyone says how they never knew they could love someone so much.... but I believed my parents when they said we would never understand until we had our own children someday, and I do. I understand now. It's completely incredible.

THINGS I WISH SOMEONE HAD TOLD ME BEFORE I GAVE BIRTH:
-Eat something before you go into the hospital even if the doctor tells you not to. Labor is hard and being hungry the whole time leading up to it makes it even worse.
-STOOL SOFTENER. Request it as soon as you're in the hospital. My nurses didn't offer me any and I had to actually request it from them after birth and then they only gave me one the whole time I was in there. That first poop after birth when I went home was a biiiiiiiitch. I cried. Yes, actual tears....that didn't even happen in the hospital. I was on the toilet for almost an hour. No one told me you'd be afraid to go to the bathroom after everything.
-Your poor boobs. No one explicitly told me how horrible breast feeding is the first couple of weeks. I literally would be kicking my legs in pain while feeding my baby. Lanolin breast cream for your nipples will be your best friend and you will dread feeding time, BUT it gets so much better.
-Bring food/snacks for your husband and for yourself after you have baby. Poor Aj was starving and the hospital food was pretty gross, my favorite thing was the fruit.
-It is hard to sit down. From just laying on the bed for hours on end my butt was perma dead and sore, then after birth it was even harder.
-Let's hope your husband knows how to change a diaper. I didn't change one diaper the entire time I was in the hospital because I just couldn't really move around at all. Aj even had to help me shower/get dressed/go bathroom. I love my husband for that. He was the best at helping with EVERYTHING. But I'm sure if he doesn't know how to change a diaper the nurses would be more than happy to help.

hmm and I think that's all I can remember. If I had blogged right after it happened like I should have then I'd probably remember more, but I'm sure as some of you already know life is busy when you're a momma. My days have been occupied by this cute little babe who has captured my heart. I love everything about my new family.

Our very first photo as a family.

Splash! A failed attempt and a cautionary tale.

This is the story of baby Ray's first time in the ocean. BUT I would say it is also a story of how sometimes men have selective hearing.

I've been wanting to take baby into the ocean before the water gets too cold. I thought last weekend was the perfect opportunity. So after eating a ginormous breakfast and watching conference we got ready to go to the beach. The weather has been kind of fickle lately so I wanted to hurry up and go while the sun was still out and it was hot. We decided to go to Turtle Bay since it's a little more kid friendly. Well we got there and I could already see the big gray clouds coming in the distance. I told AJ we gotta get in the water before it rains because I really wanted to dunk baby under the water. During the time on our way to the beach and when we got there I think I said AT LEAST 3 times that all you have to do is blow in baby's face so he holds his breath before you dunk him.....easy peasy right?

So this is how Ray's first experience with the ocean went:
Aj takes our nakey bum baby into the water while I'm standing near by, obvi with phone in hand to take pictures. I snap some pictures of them getting in the water. Baby was great he was just cruisin. Except when Aj held him out away from his body then he let out a sad little cry because he didn't like that, but he was just fine when Aj was holding him close to his body. He didn't seem to hate it, which is a good sign cause I want a little water baby who swims like a fish! Anyways so after I was done taking pictures I told Aj to dunk him. Aj kind of didn't want to cause he was scared, but I told him to "just do it, and hurry up before it starts raining!" So I'm watching, Aj holds baby out a little bit away from his body and I'm waiting for him to blow in his face, but I watch horrified and frozen as Aj dunks little Ray into the water WITHOUT blowing in his face!! I think I was frozen for a good 5 seconds before I could say anything or react. Because I then watched as Aj pulled him out of the water........AND THEN BLEW IN HIS FACE!!! HE DID IT BACKWARDS despite how many times I had told him how to do it!

It took a second to register then I started whisper yelling because 1- I didn't want Aj to get embarrassed by his psycho wife yelling at him in front of all the haole tourists, and 2- I didn't want to draw attention to the fact that we're new, inexperienced, bad-for-dunking-our-2-month-old-baby-and-almost-drowning-him-parents. So I whisper yelled at Aj, "What are you doing??? You're suppose to blow in his face BEFORE you dunk him so that he holds his breath!!" Aj was just like "I don't know what I'm doing. YOU should have done it!" And I'm just like "REALLY?!! How many times did I tell you what to do???" And I know for a fact that we have had conversations previously in which I also told him how you're suppose to dunk a baby underwater. UGH! MEN!! OPEN YOUR EARS!!! So typical...only listen to the first part of what I'm saying then all you hear is "blah blah blah" LOL SO ANNOYING!!

So I'm thinking first you try to drown our baby THEN you try to suffocate him by blowing in his face so he can't breathe?!!! Needless to say we DID NOT attempt to dunk him again. Aj handed Ray over to me because I had his towel and he was kind of freaking out and he had all this snot that came out of his nose all over his face. Poor kid. I felt so bad. I should have done it myself. We walked back to our towels right as it was starting to sprinkle so we got our things and walked to the car. We were only there for about 15-20 min. Just long enough to traumatize baby....and me.

To any new mommies out there or future mommies who plan on one day dunking their baby underwater take this as a cautionary tale....don't trust your husband to dunk you baby for the first time unless you write him out directions and make sure he has them memorized.

This whole mom thing is going to be the death of me someday I just know it. I am constantly worried about my little. I just didn't think I had to worry about his daddy being the one hurting him! hahaha ahhh you live and you learn right? I love my (deaf) husband and I love my little Ray.

US.

My Boys :)

I LOVE them SO MUCH.

Right before THE DUNK.

They both have crazy windblown hair and seriously I can't get enough of that cute little baby bum!

PS. Yes I realize I still have not blogged the birth story. It's coming......I promise...haha

Warning: This post is me throwing my own PITY PARTY.

I totally had a baby. Popped that sucker right out! haha j/k but really I had my baby boy. He is perfect. I'm lovin on him everyday and completely obsessed with his tiny little face! But I didn't come here to talk about that just yet. Although I really should blog his birth story already before I forget all the details...who am I kidding I already have forgot some I'm sure of it...I have the worst memory. But I promise that will be my next post.

I came here today to say I HATE weddings. They are ruining my life. Well first off I hated my wedding. Now other peoples weddings are interfering with my life and making me hate weddings altogether. Marriage is a wonderful, beautiful, joyous time and it should be celebrated.....just not when I have things going on. hahaha. But really. First Aj and I had planned to bless our son in October because Aj's family wanted to come out for it so we planned it months in advance before he was even born. We chose the second week of October because thats fast Sunday and that's when all his family can come out. My older sister Melissa was planning on coming out for the blessing because she flies for free and I love having family here and was super excited for her to be here for my baby's blessing. BUT THEN.........her sister in law decided to change the date of her wedding to that weekend. (insert a sad annoyed face here) And then my dad is talking about how he wants to go to that wedding also..... (insert just an annoyed face here) O well right? We'll have other children for them to celebrate with us. So not that big of a deal, just a real bummer. 

On to the next....

I have literally been in college for 10 years! When I graduate IN DECEMBER I will finally complete the goal I never really felt was a choice for me. It wasn't a choice because ever since I can remember my parents, and more so my father, have stressed the importance of education. And every time I stopped going to school or took a loooooooong break (and there were many...hello it's taken me 10 years!) my parents and especially my dad would pressure me to finish. So I went back to school more seriously last year and decided it was time to just finish it so I could put that accomplishment under my belt and so that my mom and dad could feel like all their money wasn't wasted the past several years and so they couldn't nag me about never finishing college anymore.....and also be proud of me of course. So I graduate in December. I've been telling everyone that for this whole year. BUT THEN.......my cousin decides to get married....in december........in Tonga......on the 12th. Graduation is on the 14th! (I am really happy and excited that my cousin has found the love of her life and that they are getting married and I wish them nothing but happiness) So the reason why this wedding is ruining my life is because apparently my dad HAS to go to the wedding. He is going and my little sister Mele is also going because she is going to be in the line. 

I understand it's a tongan cultural thing and he needs to go............but I can't help but feel a little bit like jealous? I don't know it's like actions speak louder than words right? So to me it's reading a little like: my cousin is more important than me, his own daughter. And on top of that he's the one who has stressed how important getting an education is and my education has literally been 10 years in the making....and now he's going to miss the crowning moment? It makes me feel a little like it's not as important as he's been saying all along. It also makes me feel like: why am I even graduating if the one person I feel like I've been doing it mostly for isn't even going to be there to support me? I am seriously thinking about not even walking. What's the point? Why celebrate it when I feel like it's being pushed aside as if it's not even important? To my parents face I've acted as if it wasn't as big of a deal to me as I feel it actually is. I've put on a tough face and pretended not to care so much in front of them. .....but I'll admit it made me cry. I can't even explain how I feel right now, I feel like I'm not doing a good job of getting my thoughts and feelings out right now. UGH. I'm annoyed.

I never wanted to graduate and now I'm wondering why I am. I hate school and now I hate weddings. 

This is my official pity party.

Closer.

We are so close to having this baby! I had a doctors appointment on Thursday and we found out I'm dilated to 3 cm and my doctor said she wouldn't be surprised if I naturally went into labor within the week. It's a good thing too because the last 2 weeks have been the hardest for me with getting really uncomfortable and not liking being pregnant at all. I just feel so heavy all the time too. I'm ready to shed some weight! I even had a dream the other night where my belly was so stretched out (which is exactly how it feels lately) that the top part just kind of came off and fell away. Then my baby was just hanging out of my belly with his arms out just chillin like a kangaroo. And I was walking around like a momma kangaroo carrying her baby in a pouch. But I was really freaking out in my dream, also because my baby looked like an alien. Pregnancy dreams.......I can do without those.

I started school again this past week. I'm so lucky to only have one class this term and it happens to be an elementary art methods class that is pretty easy. So it's really a blessing to be able to not have to worry too much about school and grades while trying to adjust to having a new baby. I think it will still be challenging, but it could be a lot worse if I had to take more or harder classes so I feel pretty good about being able to finish this summer semester. AJ wants me to go into labor....like NOW, but practical me wants him to wait until after class on thursday night so that I can have him over the weekend and be back to class the following week without having to miss out on class or anything. I'm a nerd and I just hate missing class. It makes me feel like I missed out on something and won't be able to catch up! Realist me knows I can't pick and choose when he will actually come so I'm trying to just not think about how birth will affect school and whatever happens happens. haha. We are still the worst soon to be parents and aren't prepared as much as we should be. I haven't even packed a hospital bag yet! At least I can claim I'm true to myself and a procrastinator till the end....until I kick myself in the butt and get mad that I have nothing to wear in the hospital or that my baby has to go home naked...haha but that won't happen, I promise to pack a hospital bag tonight when we go back to Laie. (Were in Pearl City...as usual, which is part of the reason we aren't prepared, it's hard to get ready when you're living in two places and half your stuff is one place and the rest at the other.)

Here's my 39 weeks pic. Next time you hear from me I'll probably have a baby!

My face says it all. Who's done being pregnant?....ME!

You know what sucks?

When your husband resets the laptop that has ALL your school work (homework/papers/lessonplans) from the last 3 semesters on it and the copies of our tax returns from last year.....and nothing was backed up. I had a lot more to say about this a few days ago right after it happened, but I'm not as mad anymore and have cooled off. I can get really mad and be really mean and my mouth just goes off. "Quick to anger," is the term I believe. Which just reminds me how imperfect I am. I have not mastered myself and could not control my feelings of rage lol. Seriously though I need to work on that because he's not the only one who makes mistakes (although that was a BIG mistake) and I wouldn't want him to treat me the way I treated him when the whole thing happened. Self mastery....something I need to work on and also choosing my words better. I should not repeatedly be telling my husband how stupid he is just because I'm thinking in the moment and what he DID might have been stupid, but he....he is NOT stupid...far from stupid actually, I think he's actually very smart. He knows a lot of things. And honestly who hasn't DONE a stupid thing once or twice or 2000 times in their life? People make mistakes, it doesn't mean they are stupid. I know words can hurt feelings and next time I need to remind myself to just shut up because it can't be taken back.

Need to work on THIS.

BLOBLOBLAW

This post doesn't really have a purpose or flow very well, it is just random spouting out of some things I have on my mind.

Tv is turning me into a blob. Blobloblaw. (haha Arrested Development anyone? Bob Loblaw. anyone? Well I recommend it, one word: hilarious. And I hear they are making it again.) But that's exactly what I feel like...A BLOB. My belly is at maximum capacity, at least according to me. I'm pretty sure I was having contractions all last night and early this morning. It was horrible, it was really the first time I felt like I actually HATED being pregnant. I'm starting to get to the uncomfortable stage where no matter what I do I can't get into a comfy position. I feel like this baby is too big already and any little move he makes has me saying "Owwwww". All I gotta say is this baby better come soon. I'm due the 26th...which is in 2 weeks and 4 days. Yes I'm counting down. Technically I could blow at any time now, and I'm terrified....at least about the labor part and with feeling so unprepared, but ready or not right?

Here is a picture that me and my friend, Chelsea created when I first found out and told her I was pregnant. We made it using one of those websites that's suppose to meld you and your partners faces together to see what you're future baby might look like.

It comes into focus if you squint.

So I don't think it looks like me or AJ but at least it looks like a baby haha...I'm starting to get really curious to know what our spawn will actually look like. Just got to wait a little bit longer to find out!

Today I read something really good. I can't repeat it back because I'd rather it be written word for word and I don't have it right in front of me, but I read it in this months Ensign. It touched me personally and I'm glad I took the time to read the Ensign instead of brainlessly watch a tv show..(don't worry I did plenty of that AFTER). I'm glad my parents have raised me to know where to look to when I need to be uplifted. (I have been thinking a lot lately about what kind of parent I'll be and what I need to change to be a good example to my future family and children, I feel inadequate and nervous about it, but I know I can do it) And I love that we have so much technology that I can have access to those things at the tips of my fingers whenever I need them. Sometimes I like to go to lds.org and read talks on whatever I'm curious about, I just type it into the search and pick out a few talks and read them hoping to find inspiration, which I ALWAYS do. The Lord never fails, he is always there. And on that note, I think this is a good place to end.

Almost a full year later....My Bridals!

Just looking through old pictures on my laptop. My laptop is super old and AJ has a newer one, so I hardly ever get on my laptop anymore. I started looking at some of our engagements, then I started looking at my bridals. I haven't ever posted them up on facebook or anything, I don't know why, I guess I just got lazy. Or maybe because I have a hard time thinking about our wedding since it wasn't exactly perfect and I just tried to forget about it all.....don't judge me- it was MY wedding and I was a brat and I still get kind of mad thinking back about it and everything that happened...I guess I haven't perfected the whole forgiveness-forgive, forget, move on thing. But hey I'm not perfect and I'm still trying to get over it. Maybe one day I'll blog about it when I can express myself politely without getting angry. Anywhoooots thought I'd share some of my favorite bridal shots since I haven't shared them with anyone yet, well besides my family and the few I had up at our reception.

This is at Utah Capitol and it was July I believe and it was SOOOO HOT! I was standing up there barefoot and after about 5 minutes I started to get so hot! I was sweating and feeling like I was going to pass out, like for real I had to get down and sit and drink water.  But it was worth it because I LOVE this shot.

I am in love with my dress. As I should be because it was not cheap! "The Crumb Catcher" -that's what I named it, because that's what the ruffle on the top is called. I love the beautiful bead work. And since it was originally sleeveless the poor seamstress who added the sleeves had so much work to do. She actually had to hand bead the sleeves. She said it took her 15 hours total! (off topic: hi, I miss being skinny, didn't even have to wear a....what are those things called that hold you in and make ur waist skinny and are so tight you can't breathe? yeah, well one of those, I didn't wear one of those.)

Just like this one...

The awkward "pretend you're having so much fun walking down some stairs"...but really I'm thinking..don't fall!

And I loved the back of the dress also...again my poor seamstress. 

This is my face, semi up close and personal. 

I really liked the outdoors nature pictures we took. The sun had started to go down and I didn't feel like I was melting. But my dress got pretty dirty..I also spilled some lipgloss on it..always a clumsy hot mess! (ask AJ he teases me that I can't eat anything without getting it on my clothes, which I can't deny.)

Kind of a weird face, but I like this picture. That's one thing I wish I could change about my pics, she kept having me make the serious face, which is cool, I like to look "fierce" every once in a while lol, but I think it's more "ME" when I smile. I wish I had more happy looking smiley pictures, but no big deal, I still love the pictures we took.

Just obsessed with my dress. I really loved that it wasn't white. It's ivory, and it's actually a pretty dark shade of ivory. I don't know why, but I never wanted a white dress.

B&W lovely-ness.

I had a lot of fun taking my bridals and I'm happy with them! I'm glad I have this moment in my life captured especially since I think I look better and was actually happier in these pictures than I was in the ones I actually took the day of my wedding. Hahaha.

If you're wondering, my photographer was this awesome lady named Serafi, you can find her on FB with the name Photography by Serafi. She takes some really clean beautiful shots. Well thanks for strolling down memory lane from last year with me! :)